Part 1
For those of you reading the Opinions for the first time this question may not have crossed your mind, but others of you are probably wondering: Is James, that prophet of our generation, that pundit on all things important, that fighter of fridges and narrowleaf grasses, is James single?
Well friends, disclosed here in the Opinions is the affirmation you’ve been looking for: Yes, I’m still on the market. Let me put it this way:
High Tech Cowboy
SWM 27 ISO SWF 20-30. Non-smoker, binge drinker, know-it-all with a rapidly disappearing spare tire looking for that special girl to party the night away with. Hiking sucks. Must have eclectic taste in music that mirrors my own and enjoy listening to dull conversations about computers and sci-fi. Unruly friends must be accepted as is. Box #29010224
I haven’t posted this to the on-line love-lines yet, but it’s about to go up. Now most people would gloss over their character flaws like an airbrush artist touches up a picture of Joan Collins for the cover of Good Housekeeping, but then I’m not most people.
For instance, just the other day I had a friend ask me, “James, would you shut up for the love of God?” and predictably enough I went on boring her to tears. This is because I like listening to myself speak more than I like doing what other people tell me to.
Now this sort of boorish behavior might drive off your common suitor of James, but out there somewhere is the über girl that I’ve been seeking for a long time: That one special broad who when she asks my advice, actually considers taking it. The chick who upon looking at my major character flaws has a sort of myopia Mr. Magoo would envy.
Yes, somewhere that lucky lady, is laying golden eggs while her chauffeur drives her around in her Rolls Royce limosine, ready to make me hers. And then all I’ll ever have to do is rub oil on her supple super-model body and watch the Sci-Fi channel. And binge drink.
Well then, that was pleasant daydream. Maybe I ought to lie about myself instead. I suppose if the old techniques aren’t broke, I don’t need to fix them. Here we go:
Prince Charming
SWM 27 ISO SWF 20-30. Non-smoker, social drinker, athletic IT professional looking for that special girl to dance the night away with. Must enjoy star-gazing and horseback riding. Enjoys classical and contempory music and long conversations about midgets and monkeys. Box #29010224
Part 2
As with most single non-divorced straight men, I’ve been looking for that perfect girl since I was six. Most men will tell you that they want to find nice wife that will dote on them and straighten their jackets and tie as they head out the door to work. Most men seem to want a girl who’ll adore them and call them pet names. But then I found myself in a quandary last month. I only seem to be attracted to women who detest me.
Now you may think that the reasons for this are very psychological interesting but they’re not. They are very simple. After actively or inactively pursuing women who were alternatively in relationships or not attracted me for well on fifteen years, I’ve gotten into a rut. My bad internal logic goes something like this, “Any woman that might throw herself at me, let alone date me, must have some inherent flaw. Only a girl who plays hard to get (read is actually not interested) can be the girl for me. That girl just sneered at me and spat in my face. I must have her.”
With this in mind, I shall get to the anecdote that inspired this Opinion. Adam, Brady, and I were sitting at the Slow Duck Saloon in early June when we saw this really amazing girl sitting by herself. No, wait, let me back up a bit.
Adam and I were driving down 15th (or Cherry Street) in Tulsa after a good Judo workout and there in the middle of the street on the median sits a some bum. I say to Adam, “Hey Adam, honk at that stupid bum.” And so he does, and then we turn to each other and say in unison, “Was that Brady?”
Sure enough, there Brady sits in the median, videotaping a flowery weed that has grown up out the concrete median.1 We turn around, insult him, and tell him to meet us at the Hideaway for pizza. He does and then we head to the Slow Duck for one beer.2
So I convince Brady to invite this really amazing chick over to our table and it turns out that she has it all: Looks, intelligence, sass, and looks. And then the war began. Oh, it wouldn’t have seemed like a war to an outside party, but this woman was devastating vicious. She verbally attacked each one of us in turn like a school of polite piranhas waiting as three missionaries entered the Amazon one after another not noticing that the missionary before him was devoured by piranhas.3 In short, she was perfect.
But it was war, so we had to attempt some sort of counter-attack. And we all failed.
Brady was destroyed by Adam’s and mine idle comments on his profession and his propensity to sit in the middle of busy streets filming flowers. I lost my composure after she baited me with joking computer related question and I bit into the hook. (Of course, my bad after-Judo hair could have knocked me out of contention way before that. Damn you lavatory mirror, why can’t I be the pretty one?!) And in the end, even Adam had no chance. Because he already had a girlfriend. Poor bastard.
Strangely enough this event marked the end of year of undercutting Brady due to the earlier roly-poly-little-bat-faced-girl and Wiccan necrophiliac incidents. I have now resolved to be kinder to my wingmen, and to not stumble in conversation when a girl is good-looking and vicious. And to have good hair.
1. For Brady’s explanation for this, email him at email address redacted. If you feel a strange kinship with Brady, consult the labels on your prescription medicines or your family doctor.
2. Email Adam or our sensei Frank at email address redacted for an explanation of this phenomenon. They own the copyright.
3. Okay, that wasn’t quite clear, I understand that missionaries are generally not this stupid may be I should have said, “like three blind missionaries each following each other into the Amazon full of piranhas that were also deaf since they couldn’t hear the blood curdling screams of the missionary before him being devoured by piranhas.”4
4. Incidentally, I was watching the Discovery Channel and piranhas are generally well fed and don’t attack passing missionaries even if they are stupid, deaf, and blind. It is only during the dry seasons along the Amazon that pools of piranha get cut off from the main river and the food supply dwindles that the piranha will skeletize a cow in less than however many seconds everyone says the piranha can skeletize a cow in.5
5. If you want to find the number of seconds go to Yahoo or another search engine and found out the facts about piranha-cow skeletization. Email me what you find out.
