1Last night I was feeling some serious Incredible Shrinking Woman vibes as I handled bottle after bottle of hard-core chemicals. I’ve had some drain problems so instead of trying Draino or anything weak first, my father recommended some stuff that is pretty much straight Sulphuric Acid which could be purchased at the local plumbing supply store. The instructions on the bottle tell the user to take special precautions when using: Put on eye protection, rubber gloves, and loose long-sleeve clothing. I felt like I was back in the chem lab mixing up my web fluid for the first time. Of course, my web fluid never worked and chemistry teacher had me expelled after I shot it into Willie McFiggin’s last good eye, permanently blinding him. (I took out the other in sixth grade with a sharp stick. We were playing “Nam”. At least I was.) Perhaps I should have called it “burning acid” fluid and that would have been more accurate.
Anyway, back to reality. This acid pouring was my second attempt as the first attempt failed miserably and did not remove the clog. So I waited the recommended 15 minutes, flushed it down with water and the drain was still very clogged. So I did a load of laundry with my Ultra Era protein based stain remover and Downey’s light blue softening fluid, slopping some of each on my hands. I waited an hour, noticed the still clogged drain, poured the granulated Cheer and liquid Clorox bleach into my next load of laundry (whites). I grabbed the stinky trashcan that held stinky remnants of my attempts to fix the drain by replacing the ancient P-Trap (the little goose-neck thing at the bottom of the drain) and washed out the contents in my backyard. This is a yard that has faced an onslaught of granulated ant/larvae killer, MSMA crabgrass killer, 2-4D clover/dandelion killer, and Round-up everything killer in the last three weeks, so in a way I’ve faced that onslaught as well. And I can tell you that I have no crabgrass, ants, larva, clover, dandelions, or any other bugs and plants growing on me right now. Science works, friends.
I finish scrubbing out the trash can in the bath tub with Soft Scrub and despite the acid fumes around me, or perhaps because of the fumes, I get an unholy desire to Tilex the crap out of the mildew in the tile grout and sliding doors tracks. So I do, all the while with the clogged drain still mocking me. I thought for a little while that my vision was going bad in the Tilex/acid haze in the bathroom, but I soon realized I was trying to stare through the ripple glass of my shower doors.
When it was late and I had no more chemicals left to use, I made my way to my bed, hopeful of the unclogged drain I might face in the morning.
And when I awoke my pipes were clean.
So I cleaned up the rest of the bathroom with more Soft Scrub and 409.
Now you might say this is intense, but everything now and then you go hard-core. Like the time I spent 2 weeks yanking hardware in and out of my computers until there was only one computer and a mound of parts. It is now a god of computers (but a small god of computers that other gods of computers look down upon and make fun of for not being truly elite. (Like Om was before Brutha came along.)) Then there was the time that I read 15-20 Conan books in the space of two weeks and went around yelling “Crom”2 at everyone. Or the time I made a hard-core pornography movie to pay the rent (but it got edited for Cinemax so it was soft-core there). Or the time I did a triple Olly on my deck while listening Rap and Speed-Metal. Or the time I busted a cap in that punk Willie McFiggin.
Anyway, back to reality. Damn chemicals.
1. If you haven’t already, go out and listen to The Soft Bulletin by The Flaming Lips. Then get three friends and four CD players and listen to their album entitled Zaireeka. Then become an obsessive Lips fan and read stuff on their official website. Then go see them play a summer festival line-up with Cake, Modest Mouse, and some others. (The title of this Opinion is part of a line in a Flaming Lips song.)
2. What is best? Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, hear the lamentations of their women.
