James Huckaby…

It’s that time of year again. That time when you say, “My football team is never going to a bowl game ever again in my lifetime.” When you say, “I like Turkey cause it’s good.” When you say, “Give me another helping of pumpkin pie with big old glob of Cool Whip on it that will cause my already over laden body to explode like the mosquito on the Tabasco sauce commercial.”

That’s right it is the Turkey Day, and if my evil self were not asleep he and I would have a spirited debate on which is better: Turkey on Thanksgiving, or the Turkey leftovers on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, etc. Fortunately, my evil self hibernates from a week after Halloween until New Year’s Eve in order to make good with the Big Guy.

You know the Big Guy don’t you? If you don’t you’re un-American cause he is an Honest-To-God national treasure known as Father Kristopher Kross Krinkle Claus. And he works for the Mob.

While my evil self hibernates I lose a little of my intellect so that fact may be a little skewed. A nagging little voice keeps saying murmuring: “William ‘Frig’ Perry, Marlon Brando, John Candy, John Belushi, Terry ‘Hulk’ Hogan, Chris Farley,….”

And since we are on the topic of Turkeys, I would just like to say to all you vegetarians out there that if the Turkeys didn’t want to be eaten then why do they go so well with Stuffing and Mashed Taters and Corn and Gravy and Punkin’ Pie? So to Fiona Apple Sauce and all her little PETA pals, I say you can eat all the veggies you want but you know what you really want. You just want to be loved and nothing says lovin’ like a enormous serving of Turkey. That is Unless it’s dry.

In recent days, I have begun to feel that I need an outlet for my thoughts on various matters of philosophy, religion, domestic policy, popular culture, national affairs, military spending, motion pictures, literature, the internet, drinking, restaurants, television, and the treatment of small woodland animals. Hopefully in the future this “Opinion” column will provide those thoughts to the world. Unfortunately today I’m going to write about cheese and none of that other crap.

Recently I was told by my doctor to cut back on fat or my heart would explode and my elbow would go limp. So I went down to the local grocery store and bought some Fat-Free stuff. As a god-fearing American I love nachos with all my heart, but knowing that my arteries would clog up with too much fat I decided to try out the “Fat-Free” shredded cheese. Now I have tried the Free singles of a certain dairy product manufacturer (who I will not name but rhymes with “raft”) and they weren’t all bad so I said to myself, “Hey James,” as I do when I address myself, “why not try their Fat-Free Shredded Cheese?” Then I replied to myself in my head, “That sounds like a great idea.”

And off I went, after purchasing my items that is, to prepare myself an enormous plate of nachos. To my surprise the Nachos turned out to be not at all like the Nachos one would imagine to have stringy, stretching cheese, but more like a pile of chips that had been caulked together an indeterminate number of years ago with caulk that tastes like a plastic drinking straw.

As you can imagine I wasn’t happy with __aft Fat-Free Shredded Cheeses at all, so I say to any who will hear me:

“Don’t eat Fat-Free shredded cheese. It is evil and rubbery! Gooey, fatty cheese must be better for you than ten year old caulking!”

So until science catches up with me, you’re going to have to trust me on this one.

By the way I have a couple of packets of Fat-Free caulk in the frig, as well some of the 2% variety which is really Fat-Free in disguise, just waiting for that next big plumbing job. Call me if you have any leaks.